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[30 Sep 2009|02:59pm] |
This may not last but this is now
So love the one you're with
You want a chase
But you're chasing your tail
A quick fix won't ever get you well
Oh no I do not hook up, up
I go slow
So if you want me I don't come cheap
Keep your hand in my hand
And your heart on your sleeve
Oh no I do not hook up, up
I fall deep...
- [KC]
Re-file: Potential moves to Should've Known Better. It was only a matter of time before we both realized old habits die hard and once again I saw that I mean nothing to you as I have so long suspected. An eager ear, a warm body, a distraction, these were all roles I stupidly filled. My smile is lost again, drowning in the contempt I feel for you and my bed is the life raft I am clinging to as I attempt to navigate these rough seas you stranded me in. No matter what I say or do I will never be the girl you want me to be, and you'll never truly change, so I can't say you'll ever be my Prince Charming. It just hurts to know that the potential I could so obviously see and feel this time around is being thrown out with the trash from this weekend's parties. Why couldn't you just give me the respect I deserve? Why is this a constant battle to beat into you what you already know? Can't you just see what I see? Dear _____, won't you open your eyes?
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[06 Sep 2009|08:22pm] |
might be the light bouncing off of your cheeks,
but tonight i've got these urges to taste you like you wouldn't believe
could be the night with the color of your skin that excites...
- [HTL]
Your smell still lingers on my skin from those moments together in the wee hours of the morning when that important first occurred. Just as I knew it would be that thing between us was electric and far more violent than we can ever predict or control. It's far from love but something separate from lust and neither of us has yet to put a finger on it. Alcohol-warmed bodies letting words tumble from lips that would otherwise go unsaid, but as soon as they're heard many are forgotten in the race to reconnect with each other's lips and something about you simultaneously keeps me on my toes and makes me want to scream. Now my mind is cloudy and my body is sore and those hazy memories are going to go into a new file marked: Potential.
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[18 Aug 2009|11:50pm] |
so just kiss me
one last time
before you go
if i let you leave
promise you'll return to me
darling...
- [BTT]
Have you ever met someone that you knew in the most uncontrollable, undeniable way was perfect for you? Like every time you're alone with that person things fall into place so perfectly and they do those little simple things that make your eyes light up and a smile flicker across your lips even on the worst of days. I met him. I wasn't like every other girl who got caught up in the summer and let my eyes go starry, it took weeks rather than hours for me to notice him, but when I finally did ... he was everything I needed. His sanity and green eyes helped get me through those tedious days in the middle when I was mentally ready to jump ship, each time we spent an hour folding paper together, or an hour sitting in the dark, it made me think of him far better than I ever should have. Too bad I am just another girl he worked with, someone he can but won't look at in that way. Forget the folded paper dinosaur left on my table that morning and definitely forget ever seeing or hearing from him again. It's just not like that in the real world.
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[02 Jun 2009|01:42am] |
i can't breathe without you,
but i have to...
- [TS]
Spring in Central Park and walking together down the Upper West Side are the memories that invade every piece of clothing or favorite food. My white Converse sneakers stained with dirt, from that April day we sat and listened to beautiful music and then wandered the streets til dark, still have yet to go back on my feet and I think that the time may finally be coming to put them back on. Wearing them feels like failure, like admitting I'm never coming back.
I am coming back.
Things still don't feel right without you close by. You have been the one constant longing over all these months and now that the time to jump in head first has come the feeling remains. Have things changed between us because our one brief visit felt mostly the same. You split an avocado and handed me the other half and handed me two or three goldfish crackers from every handful. "I see it now. You finish each other's sentences and practically read each other's thoughts. Everything is okay for you when he is there."
Everything is okay for me when you are near.
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[30 Nov 2008|06:57pm] |
Oh she makes me feel like shit
But I can't get over it
'Cause shes everything I ask for
Everything I ask for
And just a little bit more...
-[TheMaine]
Looking at her across the library I realize now that I just fit the type. It figures that your interest in her would be some of the last few words we civilly exchanged. Same red-ish hair and curves, outspoken to the utmost degree and fiercely independent. Yep, she is just your type, and I would know better than anyone. I almost wish you were hers so things could work out the same again. It could end badly and become just like us. No association, no acknowledgment. You weren't supposed to be that boy and it kills me that you fooled me. Something has got to change and I know it isn't me. Maybe you can't see within yourself all the hypocracies woven in your skin, but I can and I am calling you out. Shape up or get out. Stop breaking people down because they deserve better than you. I never said it to your face, but I wish I had. You were never good enough for me. Call me a bitch, a snob, selfish, spoiled, but too good for you is the truth.
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[30 Oct 2008|11:16am] |
Sweet darlin'
This is my confession to
The crimes of wanting you... badly.
And darlin' if you're wondering
Here's your answer
Yes, I like you.
I don't love you.
I can't love you.
Yet.
-[BTT]
So much is overwhelming right now and I can't pick out certain things except the ones that involve you. Like how I miss falling asleep with my phone under my pillow waiting for the vibration to wake me when you called. Something about knowing you would always call and I'd sneak out and we'd sit on the couch for hours watching alternately worthless or educational television was comforting. Sleep doesn't come nearly as easy now and no matter how I try to replace you it always falls apart. He seemed comfortable, you told me I should give it a chance. Now I feel like I have lost a little part of me and it has only become blatantly obvious how much I need you in my life. I know I'm just that girl who is in your life in that inexplainable way. Connecting on so many levels but just falling into that friend pattern. I miss you's and promised visits only go so far and maybe someday we will live in the same zip code. That is all I can really hope for at this point, that someday things will work out and we can be in each other's lives in some minute way. Until then I will revel in our late night chats that last for hours and pretend to take your advice because when I do I end up more miserable than before.
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[08 Jun 2008|12:20am] |
I want to know your fears, and if you'll forget me next year
And when the jets go up and out, will our hearts stay here?
If you could forgive me for being so brash.
You could hit me or whip me, I'd savor each lash.
You're what keeps me believing this world's not long dead.
Strength in my bones and the words in my head.
They pour out to paper, it's all for you
Cause that's what you do.
- [SA]
It truly is funny how fast summer changes everything. The infatuation with our friendship has quickly faded as illusions of us keeping in touch as promised disappear. Any contact we have had has been brief and electronic and you clearly don't feel the longing for those walks and dinners we shared so many times over my last weeks in the city. Then again maybe I shouldn't be so quick to judge. You are a male after all and naturally won't reveal any attachment in a timely fashion. Months from now I can only hope that my patience will have paid off as those promised visits take place. Although my visit might take place sooner rather than later considering my current locale.
Yes, here I am again in a place I grew out of long ago. It fits like a shrunken wooly sweater, and I squirm and itch until I can finally remove it for good. Unfortunately I am left scratching for 11 more weeks. Thus far the weeks have been filled with excessive amounts of sleep and working at the customary summer mall job to fill as much time as possible. A few adventure are scheduled, but for the most part my summer will be spent saving and looking forward to the one place that will always be home.
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[13 May 2008|11:41pm] |
I'm in love with a girl who knows me better,
Fell for the women just when I met her,
Took my sweet time when I was bitter,
Someone understands,
And she knows how to treat a fella right,
Give me that feeling every night,
Wants to make love when I wanna fight,
Now someone understand me...
- [GD]
You know I like the window seat, the one that is crammed in the corner and when I stumbled after you down the train car and arrived flushed with the tiniest buzz, you smiled up at me in that knowing way. Sliding into my seat, I whined and pouted about making the bulk of the journey alone, but when you got off two stops later and smiled over your shoulder, promising, "Just an hour, I'll call you when I am coming back," I was content. I live for those moments of contentment and as I sleepily closed my eyes and leaned against the glass in the half empty car I couldn't help but smile to myself. You're so everything I don't want or need or will ever have, but in that way you're so perfect. Our friendship is undeniable and I have never been so comfortable with someone's silences. We won't ever agree on anything, but we understand each other perfectly in our disagreement. Our similarities are what brought us close and our differences our what is keeping us interested. You give me the moments of contentment I so strongly need. I am in love with the boy from those moments. Too bad the boy from those moments isn't around hours later when you still haven't called.
Don't worry. I'll forget about it by tomorrow, and by Saturday we will be drunkenly running through the train cars home to Brooklyn with our friends, staying up until dawn and watching me leave a few hours later.
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[06 Apr 2008|12:32am] |
Stay awake for one more night,
I'll pretend that I'm okay,
Everyone says I'll be alright,
But I'm dreaming of things bigger than you know.
Would it hurt for me to make it?
Would it hurt for you to let this go?
- [Transition]
It has been so long since I felt the need to write that I swear I thought had forgotten how. You make me want to write. To spill my feelings onto the blank pages that sit before me and watch them take on shape and meaning. Our friendship came slower than most, it couldn't be forced and I am so glad I realized that before I ruined everything. Eventually you came to me and this pattern we swiftly settled into is a most comfortable one. The role you fill is one I long for when it is empty and one I long for even more when it is not. The perfect contrast of our friendship is what amazes me. Out interests flow together and apart and converge once more, and all so seamlessly. The walks and smiles and comfortable silences are something I needed right now and are something I would be remiss to give up. Here's to hoping we'll both move on to bigger things, but still remember the couple months we spent getting to know each other.
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[13 Jan 2008|12:18am] |
If I could be your first real heartache
I would do it over again...
-[SoCo]
I came to terms with it over the last month. I finally took the time to sit down and think out where and why things went wrong and I realized that they should have never been. He was right. He said I needed a "go-getter" because I wasn't the type to go after something I wanted. You weren't a go-getter and you never will be. You never could back me up against a wall the way I wanted and needed. I felt like a puppeteer just moving your strings and going through the motions that were so obviously part of a script. It seems obvious now that we would have never been truly US. It couldn't have lasted much longer before true frustration set in. I am glad things were called off. I am glad it was all over before it really began.
But then this. You sent the announcement in the must unassuming way, but it was delivered like a punch to the gut. I AM OVER IT! So why did this hit still catch me off guard? You're so wrong, so pathetic, so juvenile, so not for me. It still caught me though. I felt nauseous for hours and wanted to cry and tell you I miss you. But I didn't. Now I just want to forget about you. Forget that I was foolish enough to get lost in the swirlings of lust for someone who isn't nearly the suitor I need. Maybe I'll delete you. Cutting you off is the easiest way. It worked before. A wise person once told me it will work again.
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[19 Dec 2007|11:23pm] |
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A shower is my sanctuary. The hot water cascades and provides a curtain behind which I am free to think, fantasize and plan. Life is coming faster then ever before and with each twist and turn it provides I am being forced to grow up. Hiding with my head inside a cloud of hot steam lets me take a few moments for myself to breathe and catch up with the plan the world has for me. It amazes me how many people I can let direct my life. SO many that I am left with only one escape. Thankfully it is the best one and the safest and most private. Now if only you would stop invading my thoughts and him and her and them. Reclaiming my sanctuary will get me through these next four weeks before I go off to a place where even my sanctuary might not be private.
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[06 Dec 2007|11:15pm] |
"she takes photographs of people she knows
she brings out the best and worst in them.."
-[sayanything]
i don't sleep like i did when i had you to think of as i drifted off. in fact it seems to have been weeks since i got more than a restless night of tossing in turning. yet you still don't get it. you still say everything the same way you always have and each time it breaks my heart far more than it should. i need to get out of here and get you off my mind. unfortunately i feel like these few hundred miles may not be enough. hopefully i am just underestimating the power of my mind. i am looking forward to rediscovering the parts of myself i have lost in this swirl of non-stop socialization. independence will be a welcome lesson to learn and something that will help me more than anything i could learn in any classroom. just leave me alone and let me grow, that is all i ask. i want for you to be nothing to me, just let me make it that way.
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[23 Oct 2007|11:23pm] |
love was made like a ship at bay, never to see waves
we'll probably all crash anyway...
-[colourrevolt]
I wake up with my legs entwined in blankets, but it just not the same as feeling your skin sliding over mine. By the way I am positioned I could have sworn your body lay next to mine and disappeared before I woke, but by now I know it's just habit. Your smell invades my blankets and sheets, seeping into my thin cotton t-shirt and invading my skin, following me as I take my clothes off and step into the shower. I can't shake the feeling that you're watching me even when I know you're long gone. My skin prickles as the water hits my back and brings back memories of your fingers tracing over my skin, and my lips are chapped and swollen as if last night was spent with you. I can still feel the flutter of your enviable eyelashes agianst my skin and I scrub my face raw to lose it. I think you're gone now..... even though I know you're still here.
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[13 Jul 2007|07:47pm] |
Someone pointed out to me that I haven't written in this journal in quite a while. I suppose I don't really have any excuse. I just have gotten busy and forgotten about writing. Here is a little snippet from another source of writing.
"well now, everything dies, baby, thats a fact
but maybe everything that dies someday comes back
put your makeup on, fix your hair up pretty
and meet me tonight in Atlantic City...
- [Bruce Springsteen]
Summer always bring about confusion. No matter what year it is or where I can be found, inevitable questioning things becomes the theme of my summer. I am not really sure what I am actually questioning at the moment, but I feel like I have a question mark floating above me as I move through my days. This old Springsteen tune fills my ears and I hum along as I struggle to focus my mind on one particular part of my life. Thank god for Bonaventure and the few weeks I am able to spend here. Even though I may not find a particular kind of clarity, I know I have something here that I can't find anywhere else.
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[27 May 2007|10:12pm] |
"i've been waiting to get out of this town.
even abscence could never make my heart grow fonder of this place."
- [evangeline]
wind blowing through my hair and riding over country roads reminds me of everything that summer is around here. running barefoot through wet grass after a summer storm and reading a book in the hottest of sun is all the excitement i can find, yet i am oddly satisfied by these feelings. summer is the perfect time for reflection and growth and my summers at home are limited to say the least. one more road trip to add to my memory banks, and one more inside joke to make me laugh until i feel as if the air will never come back into my lungs. summer is meant for blue skies and good times; nothing more but certainly nothing less. do you have that feeling? come find me this year. you know where i am.
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[09 May 2007|11:59pm] |
I watch you spin around in the highest heels
You are the best one, of the best ones
We all look like we feel
You have stolen my heart...
-[DC]
Moving out on the hottest day of the year so far brings a certain feeling of nostalgia to the process. Half way to the goal and no closer to finding out where I really want to be. The happiness of the last few months is only dwarfed by the confusion. But with moving out comes moving on and it was more then time for that. Now let's only hope things go as planned. Big changes are in the works for a new and improved attitude. Stop waiting around to be told I'm the best and go out and live life like I am. This is the beginning of the second summer. Time for laughter, good frinds, sunburn, and long car rides. Music will fill my life and work will be an unwelcome but much needed distraction. Three weeks with the Bonas family will keep time flying by, but it is the smile when move in time comes that makes the months away worth it even more. Here's to summers away from a home away from home.
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[29 Dec 2006|01:45pm] |
I used to be such a burning example,
I used to be so original.
I used to care, I was being cared for.
Made sure I showed it to those that I love.
I used to sleep without a single stir...
- [BN]
Take PMsomethings just to get the sleep I know I need. It makes me the biggest of hypocrites, but it seems like I am fighting day by day through this break just to get back to the place that has so easily become my home. I feel anxious but bored, and days are slipping by and blurring together slower than they should be. This small town is stiffling yet lonely, and I am often at a loss as to where I belong. I appear so in control, confident, and deadly in the kindest way, but underneath I have transformed into a mass of confusion. I cry more than I smile, and I can't remember the last time laughter filled my mouth. What happened to me?
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[21 Nov 2006|03:19pm] |
please take me back to your bed
i love you so much that it hurts my head
say i don't mind you under my skin
-[BN]
Perfect days are few and far between but that day was perfection if I ever saw it. Having old friends close and making new friends within moments proved to be the perfect combination of factors to start out the afternoon. It took mere minutes for a comfortable pattern to be settled into and that lead to an easy rapport on air. Walking through the cold empty campus, into warm dorms, and wreaking havoc on those who were still recovering from last night proved to be just the activity to entertain everyone and to ensure a successful evening. I have never felt so proud and so happy at the same time just dancing and watching and snapping pics here and there. The after-party was clearly a happy time and to get birthday wishes, hugs, and kisses from so many was unbelievable. Despite campus authority's best attempts at foiling the evening I think it went down as unforgettable. One sloppy drunk boy in my bed and almost no sleep later the sun came stremaing in through the window and announced the departure of those who had stayed the night. It all ended far too soon. Things should only go up from here. December 6th is looking good.
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[31 Oct 2006|02:44pm] |
I am on the mend
At least now I can say I'm trying
And I hope you will forget the things I still lack...
-[BN]
Ripped knees are like consequences, permanent and beautiful. That faded and ripped pair of jeans is the most comfortable one and will always make me feel ok. I find the beauty in having worn them for years until the denim finally gave way to expose several inches of porcelain skin. It is an achievment, a badge of reality. This denim holds hopes, dreams, and failures, my greatest moments and my horrifying embarrasments. Aqua eyes reflect their personality as I move on and try to work towards better. Always moving, never stopping to take a breath. Things are gtting better though, slowly but surely. I am learning not to care about you or him or them. Perfection is an unrealistic goal so why not work for something within reach... happiness.
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[17 Oct 2006|09:55pm] |
I must say, it's a nice day.
When the leaves start to turn, there is so much to learn from the freeway.
You're my friend, for the weekend.
When the spring comes around, you can show me the town that you live in.
- [Sherwood]
Fall has come faster than before and everyone's dreams are coming true through the gray drizzle and the colored leaves. I am stuck here in this familiar place, but the smell of wet grass and decaying earth lets me know that autumn is in full swing. As people leave, new ones come and new friendships are forged as old ones are forgotten. Last minute parties, giggling drunken friends, long hugs, and lots of pictures make up fall nights. While cozy moments spent on uncomfy couches with comfortable friends talking about things that were never brought up are the best of times. It is lazy afternoons spent curled in blankets, chatting, and watching movies that have been seen thousands of times before that create the perfect weekends. Fall is a time for change and a time for new beginnings, to that let's raise our glasses. "Everything was perefect and perfect wasn't bad..." - [IATA]
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milis's journal